I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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