Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
