You made me cry and you don't even care
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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