no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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