I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
