I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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