she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
