Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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