thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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