we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
