Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
