i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
