I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
