u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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