My cat gives me a boner
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
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