Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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