What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
