you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
