I wanna passion pit in your ass
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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