You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
