You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
nutella sex= disaster
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
