Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
