I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
