bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
