Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
