No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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