I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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