New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
