I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
