somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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