So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
