I can tuck mytits in my pants
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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