How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
