just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
