Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
