Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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