sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
