Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
