Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Everyone says I win the strip club
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
