Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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