Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
