I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
