Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Randomize
