I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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