Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
