Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
