Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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