I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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