i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
