I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
