I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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