I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You can't motorboat a personality
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
