I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
