Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
